but i did

but i did

Part I

I slide open the shower door and slip in.

“Excuse me, good sir. I’ll only be a minute.” I say with exaggerated politeness tapping you on the chest and standing close enough to make you step back and cede prime shower territory.

I reach around you, still deliberately close.

“Excuse you,” I say with mock irritation, “but you are blocking the shampoo.”

Looking you in the eyes, I shampoo my hair before turning my back to you, and lifting my chin toward the spray, I wash my face. You pull me, already close, closer. I chat about starting coffee and the day’s weather, soap my arms and chest, and pretend to ignore your hands.

I turn back to you.
“Excuse you, but I’m trying to shower.” I say lathering your chest. “Why haven’t you showered yet?” I touch your still scratchy face and wrinkle my nose. Then I slide open the door, slip out, and take your towel.

But you never wanted me to see you naked

Part II

and vulnerable.

You claimed you did.

You insisted that you wanted to be seen,

but whenever I discovered even the tiniest fissure in your facade,

you retreated,

regrouped,

rebuilt.

You said you did

but it made you angry when I spotted a crack.

but I made you angry when I understood.

You never wanted me to see you naked

Part III

but sometimes you slipped.

I want to watch Sugar Hill tonight, you say.

Ten minutes in, You don’t like it, you declare. You want me to turn it off, don’t you?

You are right. I don’t like it, and I want you to turn it off. You are right, but I think about your eyes and how you took my hand when you watched Roemello speak to his mother at her grave: I am consumed by chaos. Consumed by guilt. Consumed by grief.

I’m interested, I tell you truthfully.

You see Skuggs shot. I see a wall tremble.

You watch Black men in tailored suits debating the Times debased:

akata.

cotton picker.

I watch plaster crack.

So you can remember what the fuck this is all about. Where you come from, who you are, and what the fuck it is we do.

I hear a siren.

You hear a siren song.

I want to tell you that I understand it is beyond my understanding.

I want to tell you that there is no shame between us.

I want to tell you that you are beautiful.