Booger Eater: for my friend Keith on his birthday
No one wants to admit it, he told me later,
but everyone would eat a booger for a million dollars.
The question isn’t if you would eat a booger,
but how little you would take to do so.
Part I
Keith is an Eastern Orthodox priest with a doctorate in Biblical Hebrew and Arabic. He co-wrote an article entitled, ”Semitic Quadriliteral Animal Terms: An Explanation.” Keith was Arabic linguist with the National Security Agency during the Global War on Terrorism, and he loves ketchup almost as much as he loves money.
Part II
Andrea: Hey, Keith. Question.
Keith: Yes?
Andrea: Would you eat a booger for $100?
Keith: My own booger? Sure.
Andrea: What about my booger?
Keith: Your booger? $100?
Andrea: Yeah.
Keith: Can I put ketchup on it?
Andrea: No.
Keith: $100? Sure. What about you? Would you eat my booger for $100?
Andrea: Duh. What about $50?
Keith: Yes, but that’s it. I’m not eating your booger for under 50 bucks.
Andrea: tecum sto. That’s the line.
Part III
I wish I could describe our friendship with weighty lines worthy of Cicero’s de amicitia.
Sed quis ego sum? aut quae est in me facultas?
But friendships don’t need philosophers or theory or lines.
Perhaps Keith and I are friends
because we met looking for our lives.
Perhaps Keith and I are friends
because we both know
more things explode than mortars –
– for mortars do explode
(as Keith knows more than most),
but so can college dorm rooms
and exam tables
and limestone rocks by a lake.
Part IV
Keith: I have a confession. I’d eat a booger for $10.
Andrea: I’d eat a booger for a Klondike bar.
Keith: What kind?
Andrea: Double chocolate.
Keith: Solid pick. Me too.
Part V
Perhaps we are friends
because we are kindred spirits,
but maybe, just maybe, we are friends
because we are booger eaters.
Part VI
Keith: Hey, Andrea. Question.
Andrea: Yes?
Keith: Does your pee smell weird after you eat asparagus?